tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post1664190838613038721..comments2023-05-12T08:58:35.710-07:00Comments on Cat Get Off My Keyboard: Shelley Watters' Twitter PitchUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-13863331127108966302011-04-02T17:58:50.671-07:002011-04-02T17:58:50.671-07:00Nicholas, I like the second one. This sounds like ...Nicholas, I like the second one. This sounds like a solid crim-thriller, one of my fav genres.<br />Good work and good luck :)fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-58451686619984717332011-04-02T17:28:46.025-07:002011-04-02T17:28:46.025-07:00Thanks for all of the feedback guys. It really he...Thanks for all of the feedback guys. It really helps! Also for the couple that asked, yes Buffalo, NY. The MS takes from real places and events in Buffalo and the crime families that have operated there. Though it is completely fictitious where my characters are concerned.Nickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00376053426189462924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-12476997238508041302011-04-02T15:58:31.058-07:002011-04-02T15:58:31.058-07:00attempt 2 is much better
Brandi Kosinerattempt 2 is much better<br /><a href="http://blkosiner.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow"> Brandi Kosiner </a>brandileigh2003https://www.blogger.com/profile/01669251993917961293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-24198348092178584892011-04-02T12:18:33.489-07:002011-04-02T12:18:33.489-07:00Oh, dude, the second one is so much better. It'...Oh, dude, the second one is so much better. It's very intriguing. Excellent! :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-70223092938846538822011-04-02T10:19:08.226-07:002011-04-02T10:19:08.226-07:00Oh yeah the second version is better, your first v...Oh yeah the second version is better, your first version was hard to understand but it had voice. Anyway you could get that great verb "rip" back in there? <br /><br />Oh, and are we talking Buffalo NY mob? He he I'm from Buffalo (well, I deserted many years ago, but it's still home)Margo Berendsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03476308235642890474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-70463696179231362672011-04-02T09:46:29.362-07:002011-04-02T09:46:29.362-07:00Sounds like a cool story! I agree with other comm...Sounds like a cool story! I agree with other comments that the traverse sentence is awkward for a pitch. Can you say the same thing with less telling and more showing? Love the premise though!Julie Daineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08350205936357263571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-7739065388550886862011-04-02T08:13:03.362-07:002011-04-02T08:13:03.362-07:00Your second try is much better... so third should ...Your second try is much better... so third should be a winner, right? I would lose the word "As" and make it 2 sentences. I agree with dougfashiondisco that "traverses the underworld game of" is awkward. I LOVE the last sentence - don't change that. Best of luck. Thanks for stopping by my blog - I guess I better get my 140 characters up so you all can bash the hell out of them ;-)<br /><i>-Buffi</i><br /><a href="http://www.wonderfullydysfunctional.com/" rel="nofollow">My Wonderfully Dysfunctional Blog</a>Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04225509798789205842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-13563233874224383872011-04-02T06:48:21.152-07:002011-04-02T06:48:21.152-07:00Glad your not an Eskimo then. Recently I got rippe...Glad your not an Eskimo then. Recently I got ripped for being honest and now I feel like I should pull it back a bit. <br /><br />Your second pitch is MUCH better. It lets us know what the story is about and what the stakes are. You might be able to lose the word "back" in the first sentence. <br /><br />Great job with the rewrite!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-55999968804905287882011-04-02T00:41:02.091-07:002011-04-02T00:41:02.091-07:00Oh I liked the 2nd one too. Much improved. Nice jo...Oh I liked the 2nd one too. Much improved. Nice job ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-55070012624274730372011-04-01T21:26:23.686-07:002011-04-01T21:26:23.686-07:00Attempt two was incredible! Great job and good luc...Attempt two was incredible! Great job and good luck with the contest!Shelley Wattershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01441028066774362849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-8436636179458794752011-04-01T17:45:40.048-07:002011-04-01T17:45:40.048-07:00Wow! What a huge improvement. Sounds truly suspens...Wow! What a huge improvement. Sounds truly suspenseful.Susan Oloierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07311938400999953443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-53387311350675516182011-04-01T17:23:35.127-07:002011-04-01T17:23:35.127-07:00well i grew up in clarence, new york so i was hook...well i grew up in clarence, new york so i was hooked as soon as you said buffalo heh, but the revision is a strong step forward. the phrase "traverses the underworld game of" is a bit awkward. it might flow better if it is simplified a bit...or if you mention the buffalo sabres :)<br />good luck and keep writing!<br />douglas esperAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-75743333738121540462011-04-01T17:11:51.976-07:002011-04-01T17:11:51.976-07:00Attempt two is perfect.Attempt two is perfect.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-63459579257031280162011-04-01T16:32:10.807-07:002011-04-01T16:32:10.807-07:00#2 tells you enough to suck you in. I like that.#2 tells you enough to suck you in. I like that.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08308377685268748595noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-79084421067888248232011-04-01T15:41:45.113-07:002011-04-01T15:41:45.113-07:00Attempt #2 is much better. It leaves me wanting mo...Attempt #2 is much better. It leaves me wanting more & that is great! Good job & good luck in the contest!! :)Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-41304297226333869092011-04-01T15:29:41.007-07:002011-04-01T15:29:41.007-07:00Attempt #2 definitely had me wanting more. I love ...Attempt #2 definitely had me wanting more. I love 'BACK undercover', implying he's been there before! I smell trouble...<br /><br />Best of luck! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01445416054945632135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-41973449256360461222011-04-01T15:28:37.172-07:002011-04-01T15:28:37.172-07:00so you've got murder, the underworld, and reve...so you've got murder, the underworld, and revenge.<br /><br />All good.Scott Springerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04225432283872103760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-37448951394149937792011-04-01T14:58:14.635-07:002011-04-01T14:58:14.635-07:00Agree that you're headed in the right directio...Agree that you're headed in the right direction with attempt 2. Sounds exciting!Ruth Donnellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12305109099610123918noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-52501261231260732072011-04-01T13:36:12.021-07:002011-04-01T13:36:12.021-07:00Ah! Second try so much better! Good job.Ah! Second try so much better! Good job.Ruthyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10222343177450786859noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-47978871888899880952011-04-01T13:31:07.200-07:002011-04-01T13:31:07.200-07:00Oh yes, I definitely like #2. The rewrite is much...Oh yes, I definitely like #2. The rewrite is much better, I was echoing sentiments like the others on the 1st one. Great job and good luck Nicholas.<br /><br />Thank you for the crit on my blog. Like you, I went back and made a 2nd revision and hopefully its better.<br /><br />Thanks and again Good Luck.<br /><br />StephS.A. Husseyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16454457235580594733noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-12935559750662716632011-04-01T12:09:50.599-07:002011-04-01T12:09:50.599-07:00I like the second version. It's tighter and y...I like the second version. It's tighter and you can feel the building tension.CobraMisfithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08076556754472094027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-28647471869968388552011-04-01T11:05:24.619-07:002011-04-01T11:05:24.619-07:00A Buffalo detective duels with an assassin to ...s...A Buffalo detective duels with an assassin to ...save the life of the mayor before his reelection???<br /><br />Tell us what is "all" and what is he trying to save? World Peace?Kimberlee Turleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04695299361596799423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-27641364555811117702011-04-01T11:04:42.076-07:002011-04-01T11:04:42.076-07:00Charity, of course I still like you. As the saying...Charity, of course I still like you. As the saying goes, if you can't stand the heat become an Eskimo...or something like that.Nickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00376053426189462924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-69975302671311050172011-04-01T11:00:51.751-07:002011-04-01T11:00:51.751-07:00Good thing we put the 140 character pitch up for r...Good thing we put the 140 character pitch up for review :) I'm happy for the critiques, its my first twitter pitch so here we go back to the drawing board!Nickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00376053426189462924noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5354197800234552489.post-38107213608615614832011-04-01T10:43:05.139-07:002011-04-01T10:43:05.139-07:00A unique concept.A unique concept.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11622191037152999869noreply@blogger.com