Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Not mine, my buddy's so it's funny)

In life there are instances of unannounced and unanticipated moments of hilarity.  I have a buddy at work, and for the moment let us call him Jordon, who recently had a two and half week attempt at a relationship that derived from a blind date.

On this blind date he was introduced to a girl that we will call Jessica.  At first, everything was great.  Jordon found out that they both wanted to name their future dog Bo-jangles.  They even had the same name for a future kid that isn't something normal like "John".  It 's Kai.  As in Cobra Kai (think Karate Kid). Not to be confused with the Cobra commander.

Any one of these could be Jordon's future kid

Most likely NOT Jordon's future kid

Jordon told me at lunch that he thought it was "destiny" when he found out she had the matching couch and chair for his love-seat.

But passion such as this has a way of flaming out.  The hotter flame, the quicker the burn...or something like that.

Jordon started to notice how crazy Jessica was.  In fact he became crazily obsessed about it.   He noticed how she over dressed for everything.   "She would wear make-up and high heels just to get the mail, so I told her I don't need you to dress up for everything".

So the next day she wore sweatpants and a garbage bag if my memory serves me right.

"She started to listen to my music and watch my shows," a very bitter Jordon informed over lunch.

At first, I tried to let Jordon know it was a good thing that she took an interest in his likes.  "Trust me, you'll have things to talk about after the passion dies down."

But Jordon had enough, and he took Jessica to lunch to call it quits.

Where she told him in no uncertain terms, "no".  He was not allowed to break up with her.  He told her, yes it was in fact happening, and that is when the crazy train came to town.

In the span of a month (almost twice as long as they actually 'dated'...they saw each other under 10 times) she did the following which I deem funny enough to immortalize in my blog:

1) After they 'broke up' Jordon received an email from her every hour on the hour.  He didn't respond because he was getting a bit creeped out at this point.

Bad mistake....

2) He is invisible on Facebook.  I tried to find him and can't.  Then again, I am not an ex-investigative journalist like Jessica.  She found him on Facebook and sent him a message there...and on Twitter...and on LinkedIn...and via text...and left multiple messages on his phone.  The last message was, "Fine.  I am deleting your number".  And several days of peace went by....

3)  Jordon got a call from his Dad.  His Dad lives in another part of the country.  Jessica used her, apparently considerable, skills and tracked down Jordon's Dad and called him.  You see, she deleted his number and could not remember it.  Jordon is not listed so Jessica called his Dad and said she was a friend from New York.  Being thus disarmed, Jordon's Dad gave Jessica his number and the texts, phone messages, and email resumed.

But it is better to catch a fly with honey...
If they were a couple this would be sweet.  But at this point it even creeps me out...

4)  She knew that Jordon had a certain fondness for cupcakes that are made in Nashville.  She bought them and had them delivered to Jordon at work...

5)  Jessica took his boss out to ask about him.  It was so blatant and obvious that the boss told us all the next day and is now refusing to dine with Jessica anymore.

And last but not least...

6)  She called and left a message of herself singing a song on Jordon's answering machine.  Jordon made the off the cuff remark during one of there three dinners that he never heard  her sing (she professed to be excellent, and was now proved to be a liar).

For the most part these, individually, aren't that bad.  But taken as a whole and given the short nature of their relationship, it is downright nuts.  Jordon and I went to lunch today and as we were walking out Jordon picked up his pace abnormally.  It was almost a sprint.  When I asked him what was wrong he replied, "Just keep walking, that was Jessica".

He saw her in line.  She lives forty miles away.  What are the chances of that?

Perhaps it was destiny after all.


  1. Yikes- sounds like a stalker to me.

  2. It sounds stranger than fiction! yikes!

  3. I see a plot for a great book! You should find this girl and get into her head.

  4. Just made it over from GoodReads, and I'm looking forward to exploring your blog some more... This post is hilarious, and it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where George's girlfriend refuses to be dumped, except that this girl is way crazier... :)