Friday, January 4, 2013

5 Worst Songs Ever

I have been hearing a ton of crap music lately.  This has inspired me to list the top 5 worst songs I have ever heard (recently).  This music is an insult to music and generally I consider it on par with the baying of hounds, teeth on silverware, or hot pokers in my eyes.

Simply, I fucking hate these songs.  If you enjoy them you have no taste, but that doesn't mean I don't luv ya anyway.  If we were in the car together and any one of these songs popped on the radio, I might get in a wreck trying to change the channel.

In order of pure god-awful:

5) Diamonds by Rihanna Fuck this song. Saying "Shine bright like a diamond" over and over and over until I WANT to crash my car into a tree does not a song make.  The best part of the video is when she tries to roll a blunt of diamonds at the beginning.  The only reason I like that is because I wish she would accidentally choke on the diamonds as she inhales, thus halting the rest of the damned song.

Is it to soon to think Chris Brown could have saved my ears...didn't she give him herpes?

4) Friday by Rebecca Black At least she has an excuse.  She clearly hasn't been in the music business long enough to make any kind of decision about the crap some executive has her sing in a horrid attempt to appeal to high school kids across America.  This song is so bad it has 46 million views just to laugh at it. 80% of all views that rated it gave it a thumbs down on youtube...but it is kinda catchy...especially on Friday.  Who can't get down with Friday?

I especially love the part, "Yesterday was Thursday" and later "Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes after." I can't make this stuff up.

3) Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj If the lyrics weren't enough the beat is simply an ambulance beep over and over foreverrrrrrrr.  It is akin to a strobe light to my ears.  I can't explain how awful this song is, you really just need to listen to it or watch the video (careful it is explicit).

It gets progressively worse as she has a police whistle join the ambulance at the "height" of the song. That is the entire beat. I was actually grateful when she went "a capella" at the end. 

2) Birthday Cake Rihanna ft. Chris Brown Oh my God. I didn't realize how much I hated Rihanna until just now.  She has literally made a career of repeating the same words over and over again.  She just says cake over and over. If you like this song, I have a novel to sell you. ;)

Nothing to say.  The song sucks. So. Bad.

1) Hot Problems by Double Take  I have to imagine this song sucks this bad on purpose.  If that is the case, well done.  I hate this song and, by extension, the people singing it.   FYI ladies, you aren't even hot. You did however succeed at making me want to vomit all over my keyboard.

Sigh.  What the fuck happened to music.  It might have died.  Collective music jumped off a cliff to avoid having to be associated with whatever this is.  It reminds me of bad cruise ship karaoke, only in a limo.

That's my list of awful music.  Don't fret though, I am sure Rihanna is cooking up some more shit to top this list.  I'll keep you posted!

TTFN Denmonites!


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