When I went to the University of Florida I knew two things. I was going to get an awesome education and I was going to have a good time. Since no one likes to hear about sitting in lecture halls, or astronomy class, or Mr. Baum’s logic class (which I took just to share a class with my brother) I am going to tell a story that may or may not be true and may or may not have anything to do with me.
There once was a gentleman who turned twenty-one years old; let us call him Mr. Awesome. On this particular day, he had a buddy named “Pope” that came to visit him from Tampa. Oh what plans of debauchery they had!
Go out and drink
Bring women home
The plan started off as smooth as ice. They drank all sorts of alcohol that they had heretofore never had legally. They drank before they went out, they drank on the way to parties, they drank at the parties, they drank, they drank, and they drank.
They had another buddy named “The Shua Monster” as well. The Shua Monster was a six foot tall ex-Navy man who was going to school on the GI Bill and his idea of a party was a bit more, err advanced, than these newly minted twenty-one year olds. Having spent his free time partying when shore leave came around, The Shua Monster liked to make an event of everything; his roommate’s twenty-first birthday was not going to be the exception. He had bottles of liquor. He tried to hit on every woman under the moon.
The liquor might have brought his game down a notch because all three of these friends failed at the attempt to bring home women. Mr. Awesome was less awesome. The Pope was a man lost in sin. The Shua Monsters, was too monstrous.
But they were also Americans. And Americans never give up. Even when they should.
The Shua Monster grumbled out, “Ehhn Betta Lil shBe’t”. Which in Shua language means, “I am going to call some girls.”
He had it all set up that there would be a girl for him when he got home. Meanwhile, Mr. Awesome and the Pope stumbled back to the apartment, thinking the night had been fun, and if they couldn't have women they could at least have pizza (despite their pizza issues in the past ,which is another story).
But alas, pizza was not to be.
The Shua Monster was running amok in the apartment when the two friends arrived.
Frantically waving his hands, with blood-shot red eyes, The Shua Monster cried out, “Gy’e man the Sh’bleh!”
“What’s that?” said the Pope. “You have a girl coming over but you already have one in your room?”
“That is a conundrum,” said Mr. Awesome.
“Arg blah tr’bet le sh’bo!” The Shua Monster said.
“Okay, I’ll entertain her for you while you play hide the acrobat in your room” said Mr. Awesome.
They waited. But the drinks from earlier were like kryptonite.
“I’m going to bed,” the Pope yawned. And to bed he went.
Still, Mr. Awesome waited, and eventually, the girl did come over.
Knock, knock, knock.
“Well, hello there Miss Piggy,” he said.
“Hello,” she said, looking at the ground, turning just a bit more piggy pink. “The Shua Monster said I should come over because you shouldn’t spend your birthday alone.”
“He did?” said Mr. Awesome. “That is nice of him. Well, I am a bit tired though, we could just hang out in the room and watch the church channel.”
“That sounds great” she said.
Though Miss Piggy did not have church on her mind. When they lay down to watch the television that Mr. Awesome turned on (quietly so as to not disturb his visitor the Pope who was sleeping on the floor), Miss Piggy aggressively pursued Mr. Awesome in his drunk and weakened state. Did I say kryptonite was involved? Mr. Awesome was in no place to resist.
After a frantic few moments, Mr. Awesome walked Miss Piggy out.
When he returned, the television was off.
Weird, he had never turned it off himself…
Glancing sideways in the dark, it dawned on him, “Good night Pope”, he said.
“Good night, Mr. Awesome”.